Satiric Quill - ABC's for living longer

Alphabet For Living Longer

A - Awareness is the key to fruitful and joyous living. Be aware of others, be aware of current events and be aware of your root growth.

B - Bond with others as often as you can. Bond with nature and the elements. Bond with the pizza delivery guy.

C - Be content with who you are. Be content with where you’ve headed. Be content with contentment.

D - Dance whenever possible. As Mark Twain said...”dance like no one is watching...” Dance down the grocery store isle to those songs your kids don’t recognize. Dance on a table for your mate now and again.

E - Enlighten your soul. Enlighten your neighbor. Enlighten your bottom by about ten pounds.

F - Faith is a huge influence as we get older. Our faith is usually firm by forty. It ‘s always subject to change. Just like bank fees. But we gain better interest with faith than we ever will with the bank.

G - Be generous. Generosity is not expected any more so it really catches people off guard. Be generous with yourself and others, especially with your kids. They’ll be deciding your fate some day so bribery isn’t out of the question.

H - Honesty is the best policy. It’s impossible to keep lies straight when your memory is going to seed.

I - Ignore the unpleasant. Some say face it. I say why bother? Ignoring something unpleasant is an important thing to learn to do. You need to practice, unless of course you’re good at it already. .....hello?....HEY!

J - Never jump. Jumping makes you feel heavy. It makes your breasts bounce nearly knocking you out. And it only serves to open the door for your kids to make smart cracks behind your back. Better to ignore them. (see above)

K - Keep everything. Yes, everything. You never know when you’ll need it.

L - This one is easy. Laugh! It’s the only thing that makes those crows feet look “sweet”.

M - Moan. Loud. People will look at you funny but they’ll leave you alone.

N - Never say never. Trust me, you learn that “never” and “always” are fictitious words. Never means “hardly ever/rarely” and always means “most of the time/often. For example...I never get caught pulling a wedgie out. I always wear my glasses.

O - Organization is the key. I haven’t figured out what door it opens yet. But I’ll be sure to update you when I do. So until then, I’ll use the ignore rule.

P - I think this letter is self-explanatory. P lots and often. Being stuck in a moving car with a full bladder sucks.

Q - Quality is what counts now. Alright, who are we kidding. It has nothing to do with quality. We just don’t have the energy for quantity anymore.

R - Rest. Get lots of rest. Just show this article to your boss and tell him/her I said you were to rest. What the hell could he say to that?

S - Sing at the top of your lungs. It will drive your kids crazy. It’s their turn now.

T - Teach the world what you’ve learned. Teach your mate to put the cap on the new roll on the toilet paper holder. Teach your grandchildren all the wrong manners. Let their parents straighten them out. You owe them one.

U - Comfortable underwear. Gotta have em. I’ve lived too long to worry about flossing my butt now.

V - Visit your parents often. They will be gone some day. Trust me on this.

W - Drink plenty of water. It’s the universal moisturizer. Your skin will thank you.

X - Learn to hold onto the X in scrabble. Yes, ok....sometimes you’ll get stuck with it. But sometimes you’ll get the triple letter. Life’s a crapshoot anyway.

Y - Yawn. It lets your company know you’re not interested anymore and you want to go to bed.

Z - Zip your lip. If you said out loud all that you were thinking, they’d haul you away and give your kids power of attorney. Think about it.

Copyright 2001