Satiric Quill - Writer's Block

Writers Block Preparedness Course
or - Is that a pen in your pocket or are you just happy to do anything but write?

Writers Block. Such a finality to that phrase. Enough to scare any writer into deleting Word and retiring forever. Yes, fellow seasoned and novice writers. Writers Block will bite you in the arse eventually. Be prepared ...*snort*. If, in fact that is possible. Preparation would go along the lines of something like the following:

List for block emergency preparedness

- one copy of the dictionary of your choice. Perhaps a thesaurus for those really tough Block exercises. Either can be used when you run low on toilet tissue. During a period of writers block, they will serve a more useful purpose this way.

- one new, sealed bottle of champagne and one empty bottle of champagne. The new one awaits the finish of your next writing project. Share with your mate, a friend or drink in solitude as "real" writers historically are supposed to do. The empty bottle is for show. Nothing more pathetic than a writer in full block mode, so keep the empty beside your comp for those drop-in visitors who insist on continually asking how your work is going. Of course, you could always show your true feelings (better for your blood pressure) and bash them over the head with it instead.

- three packages of sunflower seeds. The crack, crack, crack will eventually drive you nuts; your fingertips will be sore from opening the seeds and your blood pressure will be at an all-time high from the salt. Either you keep eating the seeds and die from a complete collapse or start writing again.

- a do-it-yourself kit for new and eager pornography and erotica writers. What could better take your mind off your inadequacies than learning to write something everyone will want to read, even if it's awful.

- one horse-hair shirt for those self-flagellates who insist that the block is their fault. DO NOT EVER admit that we can be inadequate as writers. Put on the shirt, keep your mouth shut and revel in your self-punishment. Writers are a silently (sometimes not so silently) egotistical lot. Maybe not outwardly, but we award ourselves the Pulitzer or other coveted prize for literary achievement at least once a week in the mirror. If a writer denies this, check his empty champagne bottle. If there is dust INSIDE, you have your proof.

- a permission slip from yourself to you. This permission slip awards you three full days of doing NO thinking about writing or your lack thereof. Consider it a mental-health leave from work. Every writer knows that we work harder than any other profession. We don't have to be asleep at our keyboards to be working, ya know. We work 24/7. Even in our sleep, we're formulating our experiences into great fiction, non-fiction or other literary treats for future generations and our own immortality.

- finally, make sure you include in this Block Preparedness Kit, your largest book. Nothing like dropping that baby on your toe to induce the deep down pain needed to push start that word flow. Drop it a second time if you're writing a drama.

Remember, without writers, this world would have absolutely nothing to read in the bathroom. So sit up, quit feeling sorry for yourself, crack open the Champers and drink to your next finished work.

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