Meet
Wheresmy - Goddess of the unseen
When, in humankind’s
fairly lengthy history, did women become the keeper of lost items?
On what stone tablets, sacred scrolls or dusty tome did the words
IF YOU LOSE SOMETHING, ASK A WOMAN, appear?
Just when
was it decreed that females had some eighth sense about where the
other sock is?! Well, here’s a newsflash. We don’t hold the
key to EVERYTHING in our apron pockets. Hell, I haven’t worn an
apron since the last Christmas party my husband’s company
hosted. Black dress and powdered sugar don’t mix.
Not only
do I not know where all my family’s missing items are; I have
lost some of my own. Yes, believe it or not, women tend to
misplace things too. I think the difference may be perspective.
A woman
discovers she only has one glove. She needs the other one. It’s
cold outside. She puts her purse down, stands the kid by the door
and looks around in all the possible places her glove may have
wandered. Usually, if she’s lucky, she can narrow it down to a
few spots. Bottom of the toy box. A likely spot. Behind the
bathroom door. More likely still. She knows one thing with
absolute certainty. If she doesn’t look for it, no one else
will.
Men and
children have an entirely different perspective. Teens are a breed
all their own and usually don’t care if their socks match.
They’re either sleeping or it’s the style. Slovenly is in. Has
been for years. They save their money to buy grunge. Think about
this a moment. We used to buy jeans and get them home, only to go
at them with the scissors. My mother used to gasp in horror as I
desecrated a brand new pair of pants. Down came the hem and out
came the bleach. Into the wash and voila! Jeans, just the way you
needed them. Today,
they buy them already desecrated. Mothers all over the planet have
no clue anymore, which are the new and which are the old. Laundry
ethics are damned for eternity.
Getting
back to men and children, both groups consider the missing item
one of two ways. Either the item has gone missing forever and will
never be found, in which case it hits the “favorite” category
to be filed for posterity. Favorite socks, favorite gloves,
favorite, favorite.
Or…the
concept of looking for it has slipped their immediate grasp and
they no longer function as mobile human beings. They will sit on
the couch, kitchen chair, bed and bemoan the missing item. One
other factor I think they deliberately calculate in is the time.
They never mourn a missing thing until five minutes before the bus
is due, work starts or the ride’s here. Never can they plan
ahead to miss the item while they still have time to look. They
have to sucker any living thing in the vicinity into the hunt.
I think
when the mists of long ago faded, the Great Goddess Wheresmy took
up residence in woman. She knew that her keen sense of discovery,
her powerful magic divining rod and her night-vision goddess eyes
would be kept safe and used with love and mercy when she entrusted
women with Her divinity.
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Copyright 2002 – SatiricQuill
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